Jump to content [s] Jump to comments [c] Jump to site navigation [0] Jump to
search [4] Terms and conditions [8]
Sign in Register Mobile version Text largersmaller
guardian.co.uk Life and style Web News
Sport
Comment
Culture
Business
Money
Life & style
Travel
Environment
Blogs
Video
Community
Jobs
Life & style
Relationships
My year without sexAfter yet another failed relationship, Hephzibah Anderson
took a vow of chastity. She recalls 12 months of dates, temptation, frustration
- and excusesComments (117)
Buzz up!
Digg it
Hephzibah Anderson The Guardian, Saturday 20 June 2009 Article history
Hephzibah Anderson. Photograph: Joe McGorty
When you decide to give up sex and begin a year of chastity, it's not something
you rush to tell people. In our super-sexualised society, opting out feels like
the last conceivable taboo. For a while, I didn't even tell my friends, and when
I did tentatively step out of my chaste closet, I found that others felt
licensed to ask all sorts of questions that they'd ordinarily have kept to
themselves.
Chastened : No More Sex In The City by Hephzibah Anderson Chatto & Windus Buy
Chastened at the Guardian bookshop "What do you do?" wondered one girl,
squinting at me in disbelief.
"Masturbation - is that allowed?" an older male friend wanted to know.
"Is it because of me?" asked a guy who'd once invited me home with him.
The question I heard least frequently was the only one I'd really been
anticipating: why? Plenty of people, I came to realise, have thought about
hopping off the sexual merry-go-round. Sex, and its pursuit, seems to have
become such a blood sport, its rules so confusing and its standards so exacting,
that it is hard not to wonder occasionally whether it's worth it. At the same
time, sexiness is so ubiquitous it has become a bit of a turn-off.
One of my motivations for embracing chastity was a sense that sex had grown
impersonal. Sometimes my decision to have sex seemed to be based more on what
was appropriate to the moment than on what was right for me. At a certain point
in certain scenarios, a part of me abdicated and gave in to the inevitable.
Tipsily noticing that it was after midnight and I was far from home, say, in a
dwindling group that happened to include a man I'd found myself in bed with some
time before. But whichever bit of me had abdicated, it was never my heart, and I
secretly dreaded that I might finally learn to separate sex from emotion.
I'd turned 30 a few months before taking my vow, and among other things was
looking for a fresh way of pursuing love into that new decade. And, yes, it had
to do with numbers as well - those tallies we each carry around with us. Mine is
a greater number than I'd like and contains some names I'd rather forget.
But mostly, my vow was prompted by two events. The first was the unexpected
sighting of Dan, my university boyfriend, my first, with his arm slung over the
shoulders of another girl, steering her into De Beers.
When I broke up with Dan, I had thought my curiosity would be fulfilled by
another Dan, but that was not how it turned out. I became a journalist, and
charged through my 20s, regarding my singleness as part of the deal. If anything
connected my dating experiences, it was a profound disconnectedness.
The second event was an ill-advised fling with Jake, a slightly older
acquaintance who had a German girlfriend he had no intention of leaving. For a
while, the sex blotted out everything, including the fact that I was sleeping
with another woman's boyfriend, until finally he uttered the words: "I'm not in
love with you." While no man since Dan had said he loved me, none had explicitly
told me he didn't love me. Initially I felt numbed. Then there were tears. Had I
really been alone in feeling there was something deeper between us?
Once again I'd gone to bed with someone who wasn't in love with me; I had
consistently mistaken casual hook-ups for rose-tinted beginnings. My mother, an
increasingly reluctant if still sympathetic listener to my tales of romantic
woe, had honed her response to a single-note lament: "You sleep with these men
too soon."
An artist who came of age in the 60s, my mother is no prude. Her refrain sounded
deeply unfashionable, yet I couldn't help thinking she may be right. I'd had
enough sex without love; maybe it was time to look for love without sex?
There seemed just one way to test it: a year of chastity. It was a drastic
response, but in the weepy aftermath of one more failed liaison, that was what
made it so appealing.
My year would start not from the time I'd last had sex, but from the day I made
my decision. After all, I've had dry spells that have lasted longer than 12
months. It was the choosing that was crucial. Might it change the kind of men I
attracted and my response to them? Would it enable me to fall back in love with
romance? Would I be able to last 12 months?
September
"Beware of any enterprise that requires new clothes," Thoreau cautioned, but
today I am shopping for a chaste wardrobe. The clothes I pick out are generous
and tough, nothing flimsy or flyaway. In my newly chaste state, my instinct is
to wrap up and hide away.
It may seem strange that, having made such a personal, private decision, I'm
seeking to solidify it by altering my outward appearance, but for now it seems
an apt uniform, unlikely to give anyone the wrong idea, myself included.
It's only when you've sworn off sex you begin to notice that it is everywhere.
It's in the swing of a waiter's hips, the tilt of a head, the gaze you know you
shouldn't hold. I make a date, feeling as if I need to test my vow in order to
prove its existence. But the man sitting across from me isn't Jake and, because
of that, I'm not interested. At the end of the night I call a taxi, dropping my
date at the nearest tube station with a peck on the cheek. Chastity will be
easy, I think, and my heart sinks a little.
October
My new wardrobe and I are packed off to the continent to cover a trade
conference. Everyone knows what happens at conferences away from home - sex is
what happens - and I find that, despite myself, I'm not exempt from those
impulses. A man has been flitting in and out of my thoughts. Each evening, I
catch myself looking for him in the bar. Paradoxically, he seems like precisely
the kind I would never have noticed, pre-vow. He is the archetypal quiet guy in
the corner.
We find ourselves at a party and, as the band of revellers thins, I can see how
one thing might lead to another. I'm fairly certain that my vow is safe, that I
wouldn't let things get that far, but can't help noting how much I'm enjoying
playing out this scenario in my head.
December
My Christmas party card is almost empty this year, but there is one I'm curious
about. Its sender is N. We met at a music festival three or four years ago, and
though we've not seen one another since (he's British but lives in New York),
we've made periodic attempts to. He's my age, a rock guitarist, and is the only
man I've yet seen almost - almost - able to carry off a ponytail.
N is rather more attractive than I remember, in a suit. Meanwhile, I am wearing
a blouse, its buttons done up all the way to the top, and a modest vest beneath.
"You're looking very - buttoned up," he tells me. It is the first time anyone
has really commented on my changed attire and, despite my careful buttoning and
layering, I feel suddenly exposed. I leave the party alone.
January
I see in the new year quietly, with my sister, my mum and rounds of Manhattans.
For my birthday, which falls in January, I don't throw a party; instead I gather
friends in a bar. I'm taking solace in the fact that for the first time since I
embarked upon this journey, I have some abstemious company. Most aren't
drinking, a couple are on arcane detox diets and one seems to have given up
speaking. I alone have given up sex.
Later that month I go on a date with a neighbour. He lives so close, I end up
back at his, locked in a kiss that sets me on a very dangerous downward slope.
Making a hasty departure, I realise that, were I not vow-bound, I might have
gone further. Of course it would have had something to do with desire, but also
politeness, amenability, an urge to please - a whole host of misplaced
sentiments.
February
It's the annual Valentine's Day question: is it better to suffer alone and hope
that it passes quickly, or in company and risk making too big a deal of it?
Usually, my plan is to avoid it altogether, but this year I'm making a token
effort and accompanying my sister to a singles party.
The club slowly fills up. Mostly City folk, the men in their late 30s, early
40s, the women a few years younger. One guy walks up to me. "What kind of a man
are you looking for?" he asks. There's no, "Who are you?" It's all, "Who do you
want?"
"Oh, you know - the usual," I tell him. "Smart, funny, handsome." I laugh,
because it sounds an awful lot this evening. Even two out of the three feels a
tall order, and it's lucky I'm not fussy about height.
I haven't been to one of these events in such a long time, I can't tell if it's
just my vow making me extra sensitised. Why am I putting myself through this?
March
I have arranged to meet Jake for lunch, but I've been waiting for him to cancel.
Now here he is, his charm switched to full blaze and sleek as ever. What we talk
about, I couldn't really tell you - he mentions his girlfriend at one point and
I wince inwardly, but the rest of our chat is bland. And yet neither of us seems
inclined to reach for a jacket or scrape back a chair. Instead, Jake makes a
move of a kind that's altogether more familiar: he holds out his hands, palms
up. My heart is racing, my entire body feels flushed. My hand stretches out and
takes Jake's.
Back at Jake's apartment, there's the matter of my vow. "I can't do this," I
tell him. He freezes. "The project I mentioned earlier... It's a year-long vow
of chastity."
There, I've said it. My cheeks are hot - but now it's out in the open, it has
given me an exhilarating taste of something entirely new: control. Jake is the
first man I've told in these circumstances, and how does he react? He laughs.
No, he guffaws.
Despite the laughter, though, we have at last begun having the conversation that
has been hanging over us, and it doesn't go at all as I'd expected. Now Jake is
telling me that it had taken my absence to make him question what he'd told me.
And then, I hear him say: "I love you a bit, I think."
April
When I signed up to this year, I couldn't resist thinking of all the things I'd
have the time and energy for without sex and its breathless pursuit to occupy my
spare hours. I'd write a novel, I'd learn Italian, I'd take up Pilates. Leaving
aside the novel-writing and the Italian (I have), I've averaged a Pilates class
every other week or three. This morning, I make it to the class, and while my
body is in no danger of being mistaken for a temple, strolling home, I do notice
that I'm inhabiting it in a way that it's easy to forget is possible if you lead
a sedentary, desk-bound lifestyle that doesn't include treadmills or clubbing -
or sex.
Later, I find myself thinking about Jake. Every minute I spend with him risks
making a mockery of my rules and, remembering how determined I was back when I
made the vow, I arrange to meet him for a drink. "I had things I needed to say,"
I begin. "I thought you might," he replies.
Even as I'd rehearsed them in my head, the things I wanted to say sounded
hollow. Now, they seem so obvious that I can't bring myself to utter them. He
isn't ready for another relationship, that much is clear. He's a coward about
getting out of relationships, he says, but even if he finalised the break-up
with his girlfriend, he wouldn't come immediately round on bended knee.
May & June
Eight months ago, if I'd had the nerve to squint ahead from the start line and
imagine what this long year might be like, I'd have guessed that the hardest
stretch would have been around now.
Of course, I didn't know what I was giving up when I decided upon my vow.
Removing sex from my life has left a bigger, differently shaped hole than I
would have imagined. The physical withdrawal is acute at times, but it passes.
Now I can see that sex was a distraction that allowed me to ignore pretty much
everything else in my life that wasn't quite what it should or could have been.
I became fixated on relationships to the exclusion of friendships, family, any
sense of where I was headed.
I meet Jake and tell him I've decided to move to New York for three months. It's
something I've talked and talked about over the years and, while it would be
gratifying to see a flash of something - surprise, if not regret - I find that I
don't want him to dissuade me.
July
I haven't seen N for months, but he's tracked me down in New York, and over a
series of emails we hatch a dinner plan. It is, I suspect, a date. I have never
seen N in his adoptive country, I realise, and apparently we can talk in New
York City. It isn't just him. I feel different, too. I can feel myself sitting
up straighter. My smile is growing brighter. Here I am, having dinner with a man
I can tell everything to without worrying about what he thinks, a man I like who
seems to like me back. Of course, there is one component that is still missing.
Afterwards, we kiss on the pavement and N walks me to a cab. Leaning into him is
an unspeakable relief.
A few days later I tell him about my vow. Whenever I've tried to yell snatches
of it across social dins, filleting it for friends or finessing for would-be
lovers, it has ended up mangled. I tell them what it isn't. And I blush. This
time, it's easy. That surprises me, but not as much as N's response. He doesn't
laugh. Instead, he tells me that earlier this year he'd also decided to stop,
take a good look around him and, if necessary, wait for something more
meaningful to come along. He doesn't use the word chaste, but nor does he flinch
when I use it.
August
Increasingly, my vow has been prompting concern. "Nearly there. Thank heavens -
I've been worried about you!" a girlfriend fretted the other day. Everyone
agrees that I must be longing for it to be over, and in some ways I am. I have
craved sex, but the longer I hold out, the more I want it only in the right
circumstances. I almost wish I had longer to go. My vow has become less of a
nun's habit than a child's security blanket. It's something to cling to - a
reason to say no.
During the course of this year, I have become attuned to other needs: the
longing for true intimacy, the desire for a connection capable of enduring
across distance and time. I have also let myself go. I've left my legs unwaxed
and I haven't bothered to shave my armpits, and beneath it all, my relationship
to my body has subtly changed - it feels more my own. In a strange way, it also
feels, well, sexier. Possibly for the first time ever, I've no use for the
validation of a stranger's appraising gaze. These triumphs make me all the
warier of my vow's imminent expiration.
Finally, 12 August dawns, the end of my self-imposed drought. N is going on tour
and has tentatively tried to persuade me to go with him. I did think about it,
but only for a second. We've arranged to meet for drinks later tonight, though,
and, should the opportunity arise, I've decided not to sleep with him. It is
very tempting, but I don't want to do so knowing that I won't see him for weeks.
Among the past year's many revelations, I've had to admit a certain passivity in
my past relationships. Making a choice to defer sleeping with N, then, seems as
positive a full stop to my year as sleeping with him. It's the choice that
counts.
Epilogue
Since then, things have been different and better. I did eventually get together
with someone. The relationship didn't last, but it lasted longer than any had in
a long while, and we were both serious about it from start to finish. There has
been one more relationship, which lasted another six months. I've heard the
words, "I love you" from one man, and said them back - to another.
Something else has changed, too. These relationships haven't become my life's
defining drama in the way that they once would have been. Instead, I've spent
some time living in Paris and recently moved to the seaside. I've rekindled old
friendships and discovered that I enjoy gardening - in window boxes, at least.
In an ironic coda, I've lately found myself leading an unintentionally chaste
life. I'm in a dry spell.Printable version Send to a friend Share Clip Contact
us larger | smaller EmailClose Recipient's email address Your first name
Your surname Add a note (optional)
Your IP address will be loggedShareClose Digg reddit Google Bookmarks Twitter
del.icio.us StumbleUpon Newsvine livejournal Facebook Mixx it! Contact usClose
Contact Life & Style editor
lifeandstyle.editor@
guardianunlimited.co.uk Report errors or inaccuracies: reader@guardian.co.uk
Letters for publication should be sent to: letters@guardian.co.uk
If you need help using the site: userhelp@guardian.co.uk
Call the main Guardian and Observer switchboard:
+44 (0)20 3353 2000
Advertising guide
License/buy our content
Life and style
Relationships · Dating
More featuresRelated
28 Jan 2009
Guide to dating: How to interpret body language
24 Jan 2009
Guide to dating: Should I follow any rules?
5 Nov 2008
The serial dater: Too busy for love
22 Oct 2008
The serial dater: Spending time alone Printable version Send to a friend Share
Clip Contact us Article history EmailClose Recipient's email address Your
first name Your surname Add a note (optional)
Your IP address will be loggedShareClose Digg reddit Google Bookmarks Twitter
del.icio.us StumbleUpon Newsvine livejournal Facebook Mixx it! Contact usClose
Contact Life & Style editor
lifeandstyle.editor@
guardianunlimited.co.uk Report errors or inaccuracies: reader@guardian.co.uk
Letters for publication should be sent to: letters@guardian.co.uk
If you need help using the site: userhelp@guardian.co.uk
Call the main Guardian and Observer switchboard:
+44 (0)20 3353 2000
Advertising guide
License/buy our content
About this articleClose My year without sex, by Hephzibah Anderson
This article was first published on guardian.co.uk at 00.01 BST on Saturday 20
June 2009. It appeared in the Guardian on Saturday 20 June 2009 on p32 of the
Features & comment section. It was last updated at 00.02 BST on Saturday 20 June
2009. Ads by GoogleThe Book Depository
Big discounts on millions of books Free International shipping
www.BookDepository.co.uk
2009 Theocratic Diary...
Day’s Text Cover, Kingdom Ministry, Magazine and Tract Folders, etc.
www.MinistryGallery.com
International health ins
range of healthcare plans from a leading expat insurance provider
www.morgan-price.com's comment Comments in chronological order (Total 117
comments)
Loading 0% complete
Loading comments...Go to all comments on one page
In order to post a comment you need to be registered and signed in.
Register | Sign inStaff
Contributor
Next
123
Floridatigre
20 Jun 09, 12:19am (about 14 hours ago)Interesting article. Kind of Bridget
Jones redux, except that at the end she becomes more Jane Austen than
Mrs.Darcy.
The author seems rather ambiguous as to whether sex is just a physical
pleasure to be taken when the urge calls, or a way of getting a man into a
courtship relationship. This way of seeing sex is probably typical of many
professional women of her generation and there probably is no simple answer.
Recommend? (5)
Report abuse
Clip | Link ceedoyle
20 Jun 09, 12:26am (about 14 hours ago)You're joking, right?
This is one gigantic mickey-take, surely?
"Attractive woman decides to trade a year of chastity for a publishing deal
and bags full of cash". What a strapline that would be. Argh.
Seriously, it's like some kind of perverse reverse prostitution, and claiming
it's all in the name of "reconnecting your body with you mind" is so pseudo it
actually takes my breath away. You're just unnecessarily refocusing the lens
onto sexuality, just like everyone else.
Quite apart from that, "a year without sex" isn't even an amount worth writing
home about, let alone writing an entire book about.
I hope there are some "documentary conversations" with some genuinely chaste
people in the book, that will make it all okay, because you'll be shocked at
how dedicated they are, and it will help you redouble your efforts. *yawn*
John 11:35
Recommend? (71)
Report abuse
Clip | Link Beamengine
20 Jun 09, 12:28am (about 14 hours ago)It's dull enough reading about other
people's active sex lives. This manages the impressive feat of being even less
interesting.
Really, who gives a rat's arse?
Recommend? (82)
Report abuse
Clip | Link calumsquire
20 Jun 09, 12:39am (about 14 hours ago)abstaining is something worth doing at
least once in your life...
can remove necessity of such worthiness given to attitude towards such a
pursuit
after a while...it's something worth following naturally as to other - more
'outwardly' focussed desires into oneself. definitely something worth checking
out.
particularly like body hair + regaining oneself as akin to growing beard.
almost as if submitting into a systemic/enslaving into the much purported
unattainable.
Recommend? (1)
Report abuse
Clip | Link kkbai
20 Jun 09, 12:42am (about 14 hours ago)As far as I know, everyone alive here
on Earth today is here because of ONE thing... sex.
We're all descended from millions of generations of total sex maniacs.
Humpophiles! Shagaholics!
Is it unreasonable to expect that we might consider it normal to, ummm I dunno
- DO it?
This whole 'abstinence-is-admirable' thing is a joke.
Recommend? (8)
Report abuse
Clip | Link Mewl
20 Jun 09, 12:47am (about 14 hours ago)Your epilogue is testament to the fact
that you got something positive out of this experience and you feel good about
yourself. Looking at your photo, I imagine you have men beating down your
door, and it's very unlikely you'll ever have to be celibate because you are
not wanted. Thank your lucky stars for that, and good for you for wanting the
best you can get for your mind and body.
Recommend? (5)
Report abuse
Clip | Link hugahoddie
20 Jun 09, 12:50am (about 14 hours ago)while this article is risible...the one
thing that caught my eye - and I agree with is: don't sleep with men too soon.
Recommend? (11)
Report abuse
Clip | Link dvdhldn
20 Jun 09, 12:50am (about 14 hours ago)My year of not reading fatuous space
filling Guardian articles.
Starts now.
Recommend? (71)
Report abuse
Clip | Link ayride
20 Jun 09, 1:01am (about 13 hours ago)As an ugly man, I could have seen your
year and raised you plenty.
And without the tedious babble.
Recommend? (113)
Report abuse
Clip | Link krasner
20 Jun 09, 1:12am (about 13 hours ago)I've spent some time living in Paris
and recently moved to the seaside.
good for you.
Recommend? (22)
Report abuse
Clip | Link DannyCool
20 Jun 09, 1:15am (about 13 hours ago)My God. A year without sex. In less
fashionable circles, people go decades without sex.
Boring.
Recommend? (56)
Report abuse
Clip | Link Altarboy
20 Jun 09, 1:17am (about 13 hours ago)For the love of the Flying Spaghetti
Monster, Guardian, do you have to be a sucker for every damned book written by
someone ostentatiously imposing upon themselves a year of some pointless
limitation or obligation and then writing a book about it? It's called blatant
publicity-seeking and the rest of us think it's rather childish.
"Ah! The headline made you come onto the page and comment, though, didn't
it?!"
It certainly did. It did not, however, as nothing would, induce me to read a
word by this narcissist.
Recommend? (51)
Report abuse
Clip | Link Castiel
20 Jun 09, 1:20am (about 13 hours ago)I would have shagged you
Recommend? (11)
Report abuse
Clip | Link BlairwasagoodPM
20 Jun 09, 1:28am (about 13 hours ago)Susan Boyle managed it for a good deal
longer.
Recommend? (19)
Report abuse
Clip | Link LoveisEternal
20 Jun 09, 1:29am (about 13 hours ago)worth an article but maybe not a book
the journey to true self-respect is a long one for sure
good luck
Recommend? (5)
Report abuse
Clip | Link polisharmy
20 Jun 09, 1:32am (about 13 hours ago)good lord, this woman thinks she's so
hot that every man in the world will want to have sex with her every day of
the week? that she can just give up something she can so readily have? has she
ever considered the possibility that maybe not all men want her?
news flash: there are some intelligent, beautiful, talented young women who
just don't meet available men. i know the concept seems hard to accept, but
it's absolutely true. i'm one. i spent a chaste year after my last significant
other left me, and not by choice - because there were simply no offers made,
and no men to be considered potential. sex, to me, is a glimmering hope
somewhere far in the distance.
what an egomaniac. i couldn't be paid to read her vainglorious book.
Recommend? (36)
Report abuse
Clip | Link ophiochos
20 Jun 09, 1:33am (about 13 hours ago)so you refrained from the act but
obsessed about the fact of your obsession? Surely 'real' chastity is looking
past the meaningless titillation and seeking to connect with someone for real?
The act becomes irrelevant in itself when it is part of true connection and
intimacy. Seems to me you missed a chance to really go deeply into this. And
the whole "oh, I'm attractive but I'm not having sex" thing seems..somehow
*indulgent*. In my experience, women go round thinking that men are obsessed
with sex (I'm male) so when you want to make love, you get accused of being
obsessed or 'only wanting one thing' to which the answer is surely "yes, I am
obsessed with being deeply connected, open and trusting with someone and this
can be part of that". Otherwise, why be in a relationship?
I can't help feeling that this is part of that when it could have been so much
more, another variant in teh endless, unnecessary stand-off. But I wish you
luck. And if so few men have said I love you then either you're doing
something to find cheap men or somehow not letting them love you for real.
Because deep down, all most men want is to love a woman and be loved and their
hurt and frustration at not having that explains an awful lot of our
behaviour. (doesn't excuse it).
Recommend? (9)
Report abuse
Clip | Link artlover
20 Jun 09, 1:36am (about 13 hours ago)This is a good theme but a shallow
exploration of the subject. What the Sex in the City Generation ( and post )
don't realise is that falling in love requires an emotional honesty that seems
increasingly rare in todays society and in this article also...
Recommend? (10)
Report abuse
Clip | Link boavisteiro
20 Jun 09, 1:44am (about 13 hours ago)A year?
Luxury!
Recommend? (12)
Report abuse
Clip | Link ulfwolf
20 Jun 09, 1:46am (about 13 hours ago)This comment has been removed by a
moderator. Replies may also be deleted. Clunie
20 Jun 09, 1:58am (about 13 hours ago)When you decide to give up sex and
begin a year of chastity, it's not something you rush to tell people.
No, you wait till you've got a publishing deal then rush to tell people at a
few quid a pop and get a Guardian column out of it too. Did you do anything in
your year without sex that was actually interesting, amusing or worth writing
about? Doesn't seem like it.
My nan went without for around 40 years or so, shame she never saw contacted a
publisher or the Guardian about it. She wasn't thoroughly self-obsessed and
actually did some interesting things in those years though, so it wouldn't
have fit in.
Recommend? (39)
Report abuse
Clip | Link dorry
20 Jun 09, 2:08am (about 12 hours ago)What a tedious and very weird article -
the thought of a book based on it is frankly bizar.
The fun part of such an attitude is seeing it in comparison to other cultures.
I think Hephzibah, by usually exhibiting the opposite of Sharia ideals, should
now be allowed to throw rocks at chaste women in sort of a reverse stoning.
She paid the price of not casually sleeping around - now she deserves her
reward.
Recommend? (2)
Report abuse
Clip | Link cBelli
20 Jun 09, 2:14am (about 12 hours ago)We listen to The Smiths, or read Albert
Camus because the only value in listening to another's introspection is if it
is done poetically and gives some insight into human nature.
That a journalist would think that we want to read a flaccid account of
contrived sexual anguish is incredibly self-indulgent.
While we're on the subject, what did happen to Ruth Fowler?
Recommend? (8)
Report abuse
Clip | Link mushypeas
20 Jun 09, 2:42am (about 12 hours ago)blah blah blah bridget jones blah blah
blah no sex blah blah write a book blah blah failed relationships bla bla bla
sex in the city blah blah blah my life my life blah blah blah blah blah shit
illustrated cover blah blah self obsessed blah blah work sex blah blah nice
pillow bla bla clean duvet shot bla bla nice armpit shot blah blah relaxed
cheeky erotic smile blah blah book deal blah blah blah no creativity blah blah
bla
blablablabalbabllbalbablaalbalbalbalblbalbakbfobrforbforbforbf3ibf3ibfojrbgvpvrbvivg
wanky wanks blah blahblhablhalhbalhbalhablahbalhbahl.
Recommend? (58)
Report abuse
Clip | Link crosseyedandpainless
20 Jun 09, 2:49am (about 12 hours ago)I feel conned.
How do uninteresting people like this get book deals. Contacts I bet. Why
would anyone be remotely interested in reading this sort of book when you
could read about someone who has actually made a difference in like?
This really is rubbish. how much did the Guardian pay for it I wonder.
Recommend? (20)
Report abuse
Clip | Link dholliday
20 Jun 09, 3:18am (about 11 hours ago)In our super-sexualised society,
opting out feels like the last conceivable taboo
Super-sexualised society? Why did no one tell me about this?
Recommend? (11)
Report abuse
Clip | Link tonysidaway
20 Jun 09, 3:19am (about 11 hours ago)Could someone who has read this rather
than just do a text search say if the following question was ever answered?
"Masturbation - is that allowed?"
Recommend? (13)
Report abuse
Clip | Link dholliday
20 Jun 09, 3:20am (about 11 hours ago)Oh...it's just hype.
Thanks, I feel better now.
Recommend? (2)
Report abuse
Clip | Link mooooo
20 Jun 09, 5:00am (about 10 hours ago)I did the same.
September: None of that sex stuff. Bought a new cardigan.
October: None of that sex stuff. Returned the cardigan; all the buttons fell
off. Bloody Primarni.
November: None of that sex stuff. Nearly got asked out, but he was talking to
the woman behind me, even though I'm really hot.
December. None of that sex stuff. It was Christmas. Looked extra hot and ate
turkey.
January: None of that sex stuff. Wore a party hat.
February: None of that sex stuff. Got a Valentine's card from pet dog.
March: None of that sex stuff. Apples were on special offer all month.
April: None of that sex stuff. Stepped in dog poo in the park.
May and June: None of that sex stuff. Can't remember what happened in one of
these months, but have cleverly avoided missing out on book deal by combining
them.
July: None of that sex stuff. Went to Blackpool. Rode a donkey. It was nice.
August: None of that sex stuff. Grew a beard.
September: None of that sex stuff still.
By the way I'm really hot.
The end.
Recommend? (66)
Report abuse
Clip | Link Speedtheplow
20 Jun 09, 6:15am (about 8 hours ago)What is more sickening? A beautiful woman
who is chaste for a year so she can get a book deal (not because of any
intrinsic value to chastity), or a publisher who buys this trash, hoping to
cash in?
Think of all the people out there who for no fault of their own have spent a
year without sex. Think about them, lady, and weep.
Recommend? (15)
Report abuse
Clip | Link oyoyva
20 Jun 09, 6:27am (about 8 hours ago)Agree with most posters, but to
"Beamengine
Really, who gives a rat's arse?"
you could have said it's all a load of bollocks then?
At least the article did have some useful purpose: it reminded me of the song
"Fuck and Run" by Liz Phair which was nice to listen to again!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6iYQB6nVwI
Recommend? (2)
Report abuse
Clip | Link rollypolly
20 Jun 09, 6:29am (about 8 hours ago)i i lived without sex whole my life, is
that strange?
Recommend? (8)
Report abuse
Clip | Link JenBC
20 Jun 09, 6:34am (about 8 hours ago)What an uninteresting article. Like
everyone else is always getting it...not! A year? Who cares!
Recommend? (5)
Report abuse
Clip | Link NoidelSucre
20 Jun 09, 6:40am (about 8 hours ago)OOOOOH,
WHAT A WASTE OF TIME...
Recommend? (4)
Report abuse
Clip | Link KenHubert
20 Jun 09, 6:43am (about 8 hours ago)Most of the posted comments seem rather
ungracious. They are incredulous, bored or dripping with contempt. Yet she
says something of value. While Victorian society didn't let us say yes, our
current set of values don't let us say no. Which of us was the most imprisoned
and oppressed by social expectations? A hard call I'd say, but at least you
can't get AIDS from chastity.
Recommend? (7)
Report abuse
Clip | Link hertsred
20 Jun 09, 6:58am (about 8 hours ago)what a huge pile of narcissistic crap,
and I only read the first couple of paragraphs. Why on earth would The
Guardian publish such utter tripe.
Recommend? (16)
Report abuse
Clip | Link Rechnung
20 Jun 09, 7:13am (about 7 hours ago)Her lack of reflection put her in the
situation in the first place that she couldn't tell if she was following what
she thought as norm or she was truly in touch with her desire (regardless of
the nature of relationship).
She seems to confuse reflection and narcissism.
Recommend? (5)
Report abuse
Clip | Link astonijado
20 Jun 09, 7:13am (about 7 hours ago)I'm about a year into no sex. I'm a man;
I live in NYC.
There came a point where I was having so much sex it ceased to mean anything
at all. I think when it reached three different girls in one week I realised
there was a problem, for me at least.
I know, right? Rough life. Hard to feel sorry for someone with that problem,
I'm sure. Rest assured that I'm not ridiculously good looking; it's mostly
british accent.
My situation is maybe based on a slightly different set of circumstances than
Ms Anderson's; I was on the rebound from a serious relationship, with
predictable consequences; in many ways I still am. i dealt with it by fucking
as many people as I could. But not one of those shags came close to the
borderline religious experience of making love (go on then) with someone you
feel very deeply about.
So I stopped.
The hope - the plan? - is to get back to a point where I stop treating
everyone I meet like a mark. When you look someone in the eye and know you can
have them, in my experience, you can. And if you can, just like that, then
what's the point?
I guess it's that age old chaser conundrum. Got to feel like you've earned it.
In summary, I sympathise with Ms Anderson, in part for her appalling command
of the language. People who've asked me about my dating life have not
expressed the least surprise when I explain, in clear terms, why I'm doing
what I'm doing - and this is New York. But maybe my predicament isn't that
uncommon here.
Probably time for bed, so I can regret this post and delete it in the morning.
Recommend? (13)
Report abuse
Clip | Link praguepix
20 Jun 09, 7:14am (about 7 hours ago)What a load of shallow, self-obssessed
drivel.
No wonder we're all going to hell in a handcart.......
I weep for the days when The Guardian was a serious newspaper. When I lived in
a remote rural area I would make huge efforts to get a copy.
Nowadays I begrudge the exorbitant price and spend less than ten minutes
reading it online.
Recommend? (9)
Report abuse
Clip | Link VidaBoheme
20 Jun 09, 7:21am (about 7 hours ago)As an ugly woman I could tell you about 8
years of unchosen celibacy
Of course the world is teeming with sex and you've opted out temporarily etc
etc. Try being unattractive and unwanted to start with and wanting to opt in.
Can I write about that for you?
Recommend? (34)
Report abuse
Clip | Link HouseOfYork
20 Jun 09, 7:31am (about 7 hours ago)Wait, Hephzibah, you never did answer my
question: was it because of me?
Recommend? (1)
Report abuse
Clip | Link pushinforty
20 Jun 09, 7:31am (about 7 hours ago)Yes, but did you masturbate?? Lots??!
Recommend? (8)
Report abuse
Clip | Link Europhile2
20 Jun 09, 7:34am (about 7 hours ago)and who honestly gives a monkey's?? The
things people will do to make a bit of cash these hard times!
Recommend? (1)
Report abuse
Clip | Link jerrycom
20 Jun 09, 7:36am (about 7 hours ago)So she abstained? So what and what if?
This sort of bunk deserves a couple of thousand words in the Guardian?
Extravagant!
Bores like the Pope, other religious leaders, the ubiquitous dalai lama might
commend this. But normal humans?
This paper is getting very very tedious. Maybe it always was.
Recommend? (5)
Report abuse
Clip | Link aaronimus
20 Jun 09, 7:45am (about 7 hours ago)As one who loves language and books, who
loves thinking about what it means to be human and the complexity and
diversity of human relationships, both through history and now, this type of
literature is an anathema of the first order - no brain work or style or
insight or depth necessary to produce this
Recommend? (8)
Report abuse
Clip | Link demetriosdowland
20 Jun 09, 7:56am (about 7 hours ago)Hmm
two years working on having a new baby (no sex)
two years working on having a young child and a new baby (sex once)
18 months on Prozac (no sex/no feelings)
four years of counselling
and no book deal
I feel I have missed out somewhere along the line here
Recommend? (17)
Report abuse
Clip | Link dutchcapital
20 Jun 09, 7:57am (about 7 hours ago)This comment has been removed by a
moderator. Replies may also be deleted. vadid
20 Jun 09, 8:05am (about 6 hours ago)Rest assured that I'm not ridiculously
good looking; it's mostly british accent.
and that most of the men in NY are gay
Recommend? (3)
Report abuse
Clip | Link slimjim68
20 Jun 09, 8:24am (about 6 hours ago)Off the Wrist: My Year Without Wanking -
now there's a book title.
Recommend? (29)
Report abuse
Clip | Link BedfordFalls
20 Jun 09, 8:24am (about 6 hours ago)"I'm in a dry spell"
Could I recommend KY Jelly?
As a man married for 30 years I find this product excellent for sexual
encounters with reluctant women.
Recommend? (7)
Report abuse
Clip | Link Next
123 Go to all comments on one page
In order to post a comment you need to be registered and signed in.
Register | Sign inComments
In order to see comments, please turn JavaScript on in your browser.Comments
Sorry, commenting is not available at this time. Please try again later.
Apologies, something has gone wrong and this action cannot be completed. Please
try again later.
{for comment in Comments}
{if comment_index == 0 }
{var position = "first"}
{else}
{var position = ""}
{/if}
{if comment.Author.isStaff}
{var srcAttr = 'src="' + staticRoot + 'images/communities/icons_staff_28.gif"'}
Staff
{elseif comment.Author.isContributor}
{var srcAttr = 'src="' + staticRoot + 'images/communities/icons_contributor_28.gif"'}
Contributor
{else}
{/if}
{if comment.IsFeatured && currentUser && currentUser.hasCapability('featureComment')}
Featured comment
{/if}
{if comment.ContentBlockingState != "Unblocked"}
${|getCommentBlockedMessage}
{if comment.IsFeatured}
Unfeature
{else}
Feature
{/if}
{if comment.CurrentUserHasRecommended == "False" && !commentRecommendingClosed}
{/if}
{if commentRecommendingClosed}
Recommended
{else}
Recommend?
{/if}
{if comment.CurrentUserHasRecommended == "False" && !commentRecommendingClosed}
{/if}
{if comment.NumberOfRecommendations > 1} (${comment.NumberOfRecommendations})
{else}
(${comment.NumberOfRecommendations})
{/if}
{if comment.CurrentUserHasReportedAbuse == "True"}
Report abuse
{else}
Report abuse
{/if}
- Clip |
- Link
{if currentUser && currentUser.hasCapability('featureComment')}
{/if}
{if !articleInfo.isChalkboard}
{/if}
{else}
${comment.CommentBody}
{/if}
{/for}
{var comment = Comments[0]}
{if comment.CurrentUserHasRecommended == "False" && !commentRecommendingClosed}
{/if}
{if commentRecommendingClosed}
Recommended
{else}
Recommend?
{/if}
{if comment.CurrentUserHasRecommended == "False" && !commentRecommendingClosed}
{/if}
{if comment.NumberOfRecommendations > 1} (${comment.NumberOfRecommendations})
{else}
(${comment.NumberOfRecommendations})
{/if}
{var srcAttr = 'src="' + comment.Author.photoUrl + '"'}
Chalkboard created by:
${comment.Author.displayName}
${comment.PostedAtTime|formatDateTime:MessageTime}
{if comment.Author.isStaff}
{var srcAttr = 'src="' + staticRoot + 'images/communities/icons_staff_28.gif"'}
Staff
{elseif comment.Author.isContributor}
{var srcAttr = 'src="' + staticRoot + 'images/communities/icons_contributor_28.gif"'}
Contributor
{else}
{/if}
{if comment.ContentBlockingState != "Unblocked"}
${|getCommentBlockedMessage}
{if comment.CurrentUserHasReportedAbuse == "True"}
Report abuse
{else}
Report abuse
{/if}
- Clip |
- Link
{if !articleInfo.isChalkboard}
{/if}
{else}
${comment.Author.displayName}'s description: ${comment.CommentBody}
{/if}
- ${prev|generateCommentPageLink:'Previous',urlParams}
- ${next|generateCommentPageLink:'Next',urlParams}
- ${first|generateCommentPageLink:'First',urlParams}
- ${pageNumber}
- ${pageNumber|generateCommentPageLink:'',urlParams}
- ${last|generateCommentPageLink:'Last',urlParams}
{for pageNumber in pageNumbers}
{if (pageNumber == currentPageNumber)}
{else}
{/if}
{/for}
{if (renderPageNumbers)}
{/if}
Logged in as
click here to log out
You have characters left
Please read our community standards.
Loading...............
Closing this window without pressing "Post your comment" will result in your
words being lost.
Are you sure?
Thank you for your comment. This has been submitted for moderation.
Your comment has been successfully posted.
Sorry, something has gone wrong and this action cannot be completed.
Please try again later.
CloseAbuse report
Please choose a problem:
Choose one Personal abuse Off topic Legal issue Trolling Hate speech
Offensive/Threatening language Copyright Spam Other
Comment: (optional)
You have 300 characters left
Logged in as Your email address: (optional)
Loading...............
Closing this window without pressing "Report" will result in your words being
lost.
Are you sure?
Thank you
Sorry, something has gone wrong and this action cannot be completed.
Please try again later.
Latest news on guardian.co.uk
Last updated less than one minute ago
News
I could walk away from this tomorrow – Gordon Brown
Sport
South Africa v Lions - live!
Life and style
My year without sexMost viewed on guardian.co.uk
24 hours 7 days Most talked about 24 hours
1. Iran protests: live - 19 June 2009 2. The Joy of Six: What we miss in
modern football | Scott Murray 3. Iran elections: Khamenei warns protesters to
stay off streets 4. iPhone 3GS review | Stephen Fry 5. The dust revolution –
how Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's jibe backfired More top stories 7 days
1. Iran protests: live - 17 June 2009 2. Cats outsmarted in psychologist's
test 3. Iran protests: live - 19 June 2009 4. England v West Indies - as it
happened | Rob Smyth 5. Iran's post-election unrest: live More top stories Most
talked about
{for blog_item in blogs}
{/if}>
${parseInt(blog_item_index) + 1}.
${blog_item.article.title}
(${blog_item.linkcount}{if blog_item_index == 0} technorati links{/if})
{/for}
Loading …MoreToday's rising blog posts from Homeware from the Guardian shop
Karcher Window Vacuum Cleaning Set
This innovative Cordless Window Cleaner will save you time and effort. No
buckets of water, sponges or chamois cloths required.
From: £59.99
Browse more homeware offers
Visit the Guardian reader offers shop
Free P&P at the Guardian bookshop
Old Devil
£18.99 with free UK delivery
Short Border Handbook
£12.99 with free UK delivery Browse more health & lifestyle books
Buy books from the Guardian Bookshop
Sponsored features
UK USA UK
Browse all jobs
Regional Policy Advisor
morgan law. a well known national commission is looking for a…. £120-£150 PER
DAY.
Head of Online Strategy
gds international. queen square, bristol city centre. upto £35K.
Cover Supervisor - East London
prospero teaching. cover supervisor - esat london are you experienced…. Top
daily rates-£100 p/d.
USA
Browse all jobs
{for result in results}
${result.jobtitle}
${ result.snippet }
${ result.state }
{/for}
Loading jobs...
jobs by Related information
Life and style
Relationships · Dating
Take 10: Erotica enthusiasts
23 May 2009:
Endless bottles of 'motion lotion'; dildos stacked like kindling; a man led
placidly by the chain round his neck - such are the sights at a gathering of
erotica enthusiasts
More galleries 1 Oct 2008
The serial dater: Meddling mothers
27 Aug 2008
The serial dater: Random acts of dating
8 Oct 2006
The first ski chalet for singles has opened in Chamonix
27 Aug 2002
Travelling solo: as part of a group
Rockets and romance
20 May 2009:
A missile researcher turned matchmaker explains why young Chinese people are
struggling to find love
More video License/buy our content | Privacy policy | Terms & conditions |
Advertising guide | Accessibility | A-Z index | Inside guardian.co.uk blog |
About guardian.co.uk | Join our dating site today
guardian.co.uk © Guardian News and Media Limited 2009
Go to: guardian.co.uk home UK news World news Comment is free blog Newsblog
Sport blog Arts & Entertainment blog Audio & podcasts In pictures Video
Archive search Arts & entertainment Books Business EducationGuardian.co.uk
Environment Film Football Jobs Katine appeal Life & style MediaGuardian.co.uk
Money Music The Observer Politics Science Shopping SocietyGuardian.co.uk Sport
Talk Technology Travel Been there Email services Special reports The Guardian
The Northerner The Wrap Advertising guide Compare finance products Crossword
Feedback Garden centre GNM Press Office Graduate Bookshop Guardian Ecostore
Guardian Films Headline service Help / contacts Information Living our values
Newsroom Notes & Queries Promotions Reader Offers Readers' editor Soulmates
dating Style guide Syndication services Travel offers TV listings Weather
Working for us Guardian Weekly Public Learn Guardian back issues Observer back
issues Guardian Professional
{var srcAttr = 'src="' + comment.Author.photoUrl + '"'}
${comment.Author.displayName}
${comment.PostedAtTime|formatDateTime:MessageTime}